Guilt

As I drive in our bus back from a particularly moving day with the group, I cant help to think about guilt and what it really means. I have really lived with many moments of guilt in my life and found that it has limited me in so ways from moving forward to a new growths. When I say, 'new', I dont mean always a 'better' one, either. Should we look back at the past, full of guilt of what might have been or what should have been in hopes of moving forward or is it counter-productive to growth? As I look out the window I also can't help to think that maybe guilt is just plain regrettable and it serves no real purpose in life.

I truly believe that most of these guys came back here to face their fears and hopefully recover a bit from things they feel guilty about in some capacity. Each scenario plays out on this trip and I try to fit the pieces together as a sort of active participant, filming in hopes of being part of a healing process and moving documentary film. These guys have become my friends, and I am honored to be a part of their lives here in Vietnam.


I mentioned in my last post that this trip was full of highs and lows...and every day, up to now, has had many. Three weeks of this is draining for not only me, but, everyone in the group and I can definantly feel it. I was speaking to one member of the group and he said emphatically, 'I am never coming back here...'. I have done a few trips where I have felt the same way, so I told him that it may take a couple of weeks or even months to come home and I bet the realization will come that, yes, this trip was special. Every moment is...

I havent been able to go and write in this blog for the last week because, frankly, I dont know fully how I feel. I can do a trip log and post photos and tell the stories (and I got lots of them!) but, how can I truthfully do any justice to this story really. Its so amazing,in so many ways. This blog is really not only about the trip nor the players, but, its just some of my viewpoints about life and how I feel in any particular moment.

Take the day with Terry Wren. We had gone up to find the area where Terry was the only member of his unit to survive a massive firefight. It was really remote and within an area that was very sensitive to the Vietnamese northern cause. Showing up, we found an a person who said that he knew where the area was and would lead us.


Walking down a narrow path, across a stream, and up to a pathway, we were greeted by some locals who said we could not go any further. I couldnt help but notice that Terry was full of life. This was his terrain and crossing that stream and being in that enviroment brought him great excitement. As he put it, 'I am back...'









We waited for about an hour and was told that basically we would not be allowed to go up to the site, about a kilometer up a hillside. But, then, they changed their mind and we were told to follow an older Vietmanese who said he knew the site. Me and Terry tore after the guy, hiking hard and sweating together through the muddy rice paddies. Rain pore down in spurts and there was definantly a different vibe to this adventure for me.

Coming across a bunch of older gravesites, the man told us this was it. Terry wasnt convinced, though. He kept saying it looked familiar, but not quite right for him. And he would know, he was there. This is where Terry lost his friends and fellow soldiers, where people died. The man kept saying this was it and the questions flowed. There was a bit of resistance so Tom, Rich and Pete lit incense and said a prayer for all the men who died here.

Terry was hunting though. He was in a sort of trance really, very agitated and excited. Kept asking questions about a small wall...no response or solid answer. What happened next moved me in more ways and in ways than I even know how to explain adequately. But, I will try.


I heard Terry starting to panic and cry out. I looked down about 2 rice paddies down the hillside. I started to run down the path to him. I got near him and started to film him. He started to run again right through the paddies, I followed him. He was really in a frantic state at this point. The sides of the paddies were pretty steep now and he jumped into the next paddy, about a 3 foot drop, I followed him. We both sank down to our hips in the mud. I filmed. I was on the left of him. (He never saw me he said...nor remembers me.) The moments were so supernatural, I cant really explain everything, for everything was just sort of like we were not in the natural world. Terry collapsed into the mud, hands going in then, he cried out. He explained later to me as he put his hands into the mud (I think a bit before this...as he hit the mud I think he started to feel it...) he felt an energy flow go up into his arms and start flowing through him. At that moment, Pete came over the side and hit the mud, trying to console Terry. Terry said at that moment it was over, the flow of energy...

(Sorry no photos, only video here...happened too fast, plus my still camera submerged in the mud. It survived, but, was very dirty! Plus, I was hired for video not photos...so more important)

Terry went forward, basically in a sort of trance state and we walked after him. A small trail was followed through some paddys and we came up to a grove of trees and went into the darker area of trail. We came up to a short wall, Terry leading the way...coming up to a gravesite. Terry said this was it. This is the very spot he had been over 40 years ago.

This story upon itself is not only the pivotal moment for Terry, but for me. I had felt a very similiar energy and feeling when I was about 7 in the hills of a little town called Feather Falls, near Oroville. My dad had taken my brother and I up there from where we lived in San Francisco to live and grow marijuana. It was the perfect place for two city kids like my brother and I because we never had been so free. We would hike around for hours, finding interesting things around the area. One day we must have hiked for over 4 hours when we came across a old structure, and I mean old. As we set foot into the general area, I felt a sense of darkness, like something or somebody was watching me. All of us felt it. There was a stilt like structure that was still standing about six foot high with a platform, too, with what looked like something wrapped up in an old blanket. Being a curious kid I was (and still am) I climbed up and looked. I looked into the mass and all of a sudden, I felt a sense of darkness and fear and something gripped me. Everyone felt that, too...We ran and didnt stop feeling the desperateness of the situation for some time. Felt like we just should not be there, but, also, that this was a place where something had happened...Like at Terry's Place.

So, I go back to guilt. Why did Terry want to come back to this place that obviously would affect him so much? I still am not too clear about that..but, I think its some sort of guilt. Only he really knows. If it is a sense of guilt that maybe that he should have also died that day, over 40 years ago, or he should have done something more for his fellow soldiers, then was it good for him to come back? Or should it have been left untouched. Only time will tell, for Terry.

For me, I have no more use for guilt. This trip has taught me that. Guilt is like a monster that never lets you go or maybe just a bad habit! I always would envy people I knew that did things that would seem less than right, with no guilty conscience, for I always have thought about things in a different way. I suppose if you only do things you feel are right and stay true to yourself, then what you do in that moment is right, with no guilt. I know I am over it.

~vincent

The Perception of A Reality

I have been on enough film trips to know that only rarely does my perception of what will happen matches the actual reality of how things play out. This trip is full of highs and lows, with everyday pretty much bringing a variety of those two emotions. I came here to create a project that meant something, in attempt to not only document a true emotional journey by the players, but to actual be a part of something that would help a fellow human being. I have come to know these guys in the last few weeks and I must say, I truly respect and care for each and every one. What these guys have seen, most of us will never understand. They each talk about killing like its just an everyday occurance, almost making me sick. What I have come to realize so far, that at least here and for these guys that is their reality. I am proud to be a part of this project.

There were going to be a few pivotal moments on this trip that I knew would be a deal breaker and would pretty much dictate some of the outcome of the project. The first one was the meeting of the two North Vietmanese soldiers who were to travel on our bus for two days with us. This was very important because these guys had never come this close to their 'enemy' for over forty years. There was alot of anger still brewing under the surface for, well, I believe all the guys. As Terry Wren said in San Francisco, 'I aint touching those guys...'. So, the way the show would go on this meeting could go a few different ways. Of course, that is what makes this project so unique. The unpredictability of each particular scenario.

The second situation, which was sort of a new developement, would be trying to find a North Vietmanese woman one of Rich Lattrells fellow soldiers had supposedly shot and killed around 1968. His friend had sent the woman's original ID card to him, also, which we hoped to return upon finding the family. This mission would entail going off to track down the area, which was remote, and try and find the family by asking certain older citizens in the area to see what they knew. It was a longshot, but something the guys really wanted to do. So we did!

The meeting with the North Vietmanese soldiers went very well. It was my idea to do the meeting at a cemetary and have the soldiers come to meet us. Finally, with a lot of coaxing (by me) our guide and translater allowed the situation to happen. Tensions were high and we pretty much figured the local police would come at any moment. It was a very emotional experience of the guys, but, all handled it very well. Alot of hugs and even a ceremony at the gravesites. It was great for Randy and I and we couldnt ask for more, video-wise.



After the initial meeting, some of the guys gave back artifacts from the war to the two soldiers, then, Pete sat down at the hotel with the soldiers and looked at maps from the war and discussed his own questions. Wild experience for me and Randy.



The second scenario was going to be a bit more tough. Through our translator and guide, Quan, we found out what the province was where this woman was from. Rich had the original ID card and I took some shots from it where it was emailed to people that might know. Very helpful. Driving for about three hours we came upon a more remote village and was directed up a narrow dirtroad. It must have been funny for the villagers seeing a big bus driving down this little road. I know that tour busses do not do that, so this was interesting!

We came upon another more remote village. Quan asked around and finally got word that some people who knew the woman actually lived near. We hired mopeds to drive us about fifteen minutes up a really narrow road. Very remote. I had my cameras dangling behind a villager and I seriously thought to myself 'Fuck, they could just take me back here and shoot me and no one would really care nor ever find my body.' It was surreal.

I found myself at a smaller house where some of the guys were already there asking around to the local people who were very curious to say the least. Turned out that there was this 84 year old woman who knew the woman on the ID card! And, through asking many questions, turned out the woman actually did not die from the gunshot wounds by the American soldier, but of old age. She was a very big supporter of the North Vietmanese movement and the government had built a special house to commemorate her.

We were taken down the road to the actual house where we looked at the ID card and compared the two photos and names and turned out this was the woman positively. Even better the nephew of the woman lived down the street and was called to come join us. The goal was to hand the original ID card to a relative, so this was perfect.

Wait, it gets better! We were asked to visit the woman's gravesite that was in an even more remote area in which we walked to. Asked to burn incense at the gravesite, Pete and the guys walked to the grave and proceeded to do so. Very moving.



After visiting the gravesite, we went back to the village and presented the nephew of the woman the original ID card. Mission accomplished.





It was very exciting for the guys and me and Randy. For me, I was moved by the respect that these people all showed us. Its really difficult for me to the benefit of killing anyone for any reason, especially these people. It was also very moving to see how the guys were so giving to the North Vietmanese soldies. The whole situation here in Vietnam has been utterly surreal and seems like its not really happening. I have so many emotions going all at the same time, its so difficult to actually write them down accurately here in this blog.



So, I think that sometimes the Perception matches the Reality.

With that being said, I am outta here. Thanks for reading and believe me, the video is awesome! More on that one later.

-vincent

Clarity Doesn't Always Mean 'Clear'

Ok! I am back to update this little blog of mine. And, by the way, thanks for visiting my little world. Been a few days since I updated this, so here goes. First off, I a must say, everything I have ever heard about how beautiful Vietnam is, well, its true, in more ways than one! Incredible place. But, I am going to vent a bit...here goes.

You know, I havent traveled a real lot, but just enough, and this trip just really brings home one point, (especially when traveling in a really large group). Basically, in a nutshell, why, when travelilng (in my experiece only) most of the people think that all Americans are rich? I certainly am not but absolutely love my life, even though, at times its a challenge. Now, would I love a bit more money so I can travel more? Yep.

I look at the chaos, but, utterly simple way of life most Vietmanese people have and I say to myself 'I want that'! Today, I actually asked a girl how I could have her job of fishing all day, then selling her catch to the tourists everyday.

Dont get me wrong, I love living where I live, but there is something so wrong about the way most, average Americans live. I am thinking about the WAY I see people shop at a place like Wal-Mart...its all about 'More, more! Buy, Buy, buy...Gotta get more' or something like that. Sick. But, we all play that game. Some of me thinks that most Vietmanese would love MY life. Or they think they would. I think its interesting, really, to think that we cannot do without our extravagant lifestyles or it'll be a 'sacrifice' to give up that Mocha Frappachino from Starbucks! (Hey, I love that stuff, too, and actually miss that!); without those things we cannot be happy or content! I am actually missing a real Starbucks coffee, but, have found that I really don't need it.

Ok! Enough preaching, or venting as the case is, at least here....I am going to update ya on the status of my Vietnam Adventure and what is basically happening.

We finally left Saigon and made our way up north where we are now staying at the Bon Bien Resort. What a clash of ways of life! The craziness of Saigon and its outlying areas, to only about four hours North, you come to the Costa Rica-like resort area. All of us were very excited and I took my first dip in the ocean! Warm and actually a few waves.

So, upon waking up today, Terry Wren and I decided to walk down the beach together. I really like him and even though his intensity, I see how he is very sensitive person. You gotta understand, this is the guy who told Randy and I that if he saw 'gooks like this standing around looking at him that way, he would have just shot them with no care or mind in the world'...Like it was a job. And for these guys, the Vietnam War was just a job and a matter of survival.

Walking down the beach together, we spoke of easy going subjects like the trip dynamics and the incredible seashells and 'sea glass' (thanks for the visual Susan!) that were scattered along the shores. We came across about a group of five or six children hanging around a fishing fleet. Terry was a bit apprehensive, but, finally made first contact!

Those kids were like magnets. Sure, they had their tourist trinkets for sale, but, this was to be a different sort of meeting. I snapped a few shots and then made my first contact. With my still camera and video camera gear, I was an instant magnet that attracted these kids! I snapped a few shots, and of course they wanted to see them, which, because I love kids, I did! They started clapping and was really enjoying the photos. One kid wanted to take a photo but I hesitated, then I said, 'what the fuck, let them take some photos and video, lets see what happens!'. What happened next was just specatacular.

Terry and I just melted into the scene of playing with these kids...and then, what was even more special, is that photos and video was being taken, by, none other than two members of this tribe. Sure, there were a few little scuffles for the priority of who wanted to take a photo video, but I quickly diffussed by making each person share.

Both Terry and I had so much fun. For me, I just enjoyed seeing each kid taking my photo (which I never really let happen, it seems) and being touched and liked by little beings with so much innocence.




For Terry, I believe he really just let himself go a bit. No animosity nor ill-will towards the situation or people. The way Terry interacted with these kids was awesome! What was more interesting was at the end of hanging out, one girl came up and gave both Terry and I a piece of their art they usually sell. Ever since I came here to Vietnam, I have been bombarded by people trying to sell me stuff....so, this 'giving' was pretty special for both Terry and I.

After that, Randy and I tried to do some interviews, but, for some reason, I wasnt feeling it. It just didnt seem right...quite yet, at least. So, I went to my room to work on this little blog and edit some photos. I was definantly in a very introspective slash irritated mood when Randy came bursting into the room and said 'hey, Vincent, want to go ride mopeds around?'. Now this perked up my interest, so it was definantly on!

Randy and I got our mopeds and proceeded to explore the area. Now, if you saw the way these crazy Vietmanese drive in Saigon...hell, not only there, but all the rest of the places I have seen, too, you would know why I was a bit apprehensive about riding around. But, I pushed through some of that fear and off we went!


What Randy and I came across was not only a beautiful landscape filled with a slithering mass of people and a smorgasborg of colorful vistas, but, a very simple place that just worked, you know? We ate a healthy lunch and drank 333 beers on a pristine uncrowded beach watching fisherman and tourists. A great experience.


So, what is this whole blog segment all about anyhow. The title says 'Clarity doesnt always mean clear...?' What the hell does that mean anyhow? As I sit here, editing photos and listening to the Roots (Thanks Susan!) I cant help but think maybe everything in life doesnt has to be a 'right' nor 'wrong'...that sometimes life isnt always a sharp series of photos that tell the whole story. For these vets this experience isnt going to solve their issues nor answer all the questions. There are going to be a bunch of moments of clarity (for all of us), but, maybe some of those moments we will only realize the 'truth' as bits and pieces of them.

I feel that on this trip. I have always been really sensitive of moments in my life and I run those moments in my mind all the time trying to either make peace or explain, searching for meanings, for everything. This is similiar to what is going here for these Veterans. We are all searching, for many things, and sometimes, we have moments of clarity, but, can we really see things so clearly as to say we fully understand?

Until next time!

~vincent

First Vietnam Experiece In Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City)

The last few days, well, since April 19, has been a blur. First day we drove up to SF where Randy and I met the rest of the guys that were going on the trip. You are probably wondering who put on this trip and who is actually going to Vietnam to participate in this unique project I find myself involved with!



This is Pete Pepper and he is the main player and the guy who is not only paying the bills, but the individual whose idea was to bring a select few of Vets in hopes they can replace their 'bad photos' in their photo album, with beautiful ones. Even more importantly, Pete was the Commanding officer and led these (among many others) guys in battle for the 101st Airborne Division, Paratroopers. Dont forget that, because I did and I was Terminated.

I met this second guy Terry Wren with Pete before we left for Vietnam. A really nice guy, very intense, and very committed soldier and he was the radio operator for the unit.

The next guy I met was Benito Garcia. His reputation stood out to me, and I believe it would to anyone, actually, because this is the guy who decapitated the enemy in Vietnam. Very interesting person and in the last few days, I have spoke with him and really gotten to know him more and I must say, there is a method to his madness. More on that later.


I next met Rich Luttrell. He was the only one who had gone back to Vietnam previously and was the main character in a Dateline special in 2000 (I believe I saw it). He had killed a North Vietnam soldier, and had taken some family photos of his. For over 40 years, Rich had held those photos and finally felt like it was time to reunite them to the soldiers' family. So, he hunted them down and the story became a popular Dateline segment.

The last guy I met was Tom Dohnke. I really enjoy this person and he is just a good-natured guy who had the reputation in the unit for 'questioning' everything and really felt like alot of guys died for absolutely no reason due to imcompetance. More on that later, for sure.

OK! We did pre interviews at the hotel in SF. Although a long day and very hot I might add, Randy and I came away with a whole new perspective about what this trip was really all about. The next day, we would leave for Vietnam.

After about 15 hours of flying, with a short layover in Taipei, we finally made it to our first destination, Saigon, or more accurately these days, Ho Chi Minh City. Before we landed, tensions were very high and Randy and I stayed alert, hoping to catch the emotion of the moment. The first guy to spot the Vietnamese jungle was Terry, the radioman. He came over, very excited and looked out the window of the plane. With small tears coming into his eyes, hand on his head, he looked out. I asked him how he felt. He said he felt actually excited to get back to the jungles of Vietnam, something he wasnt sure that he would feel.

We came off the plane and I made my first steps into Ho Chi Minh City. All I have to say is this really is the most controlled chaos I have ever seen in my life. There are over 8 million Vietmanese living here and the city never stops pulsating with life.


I wasnt too sure how each individual would react to their first steps in Vietnam for over 40 years (except Rich Luttrell). From Pete, the commanding officer and Terry, his radioman, to Benito Garcia, the self-admitted psycho soldier to Rich Lattrell, the guy ,who just wanted some socks (interesting story here!) for his jungle boots. And, lastly, Tom Dohnke who just wanted some of his questions of 'Why?' answered.

And, the plot thickens everyday, and this is only the beginning!

-vincent

Vietnam Return: A Pivotal Experience in My Life

Even though so much has happened in my life since my last post (wow, July 2008!) I have had many life occurences (breakup with someone I deeply cared for to recreating a new life for myself...) and some interesting incidents that have not only affected me in some way but have caused me to evolve as a person. From Vincent Shay Media taking a little bit of a beating due to the economy to finally start seeing the 'Light At The End Of The Tunnel' here in 2009. Well, suffice it to say its been a rough year! But, everything happens for 'some' reason, so here I am going to Vietnam for a Film Documentary.

Without going into too much detail yet, I will say, I was approached by a editor friend of mine sometime towards the end of last year saying that there might be an opportunity for another video shooter on this wild film documentary in Vietnam. Of course, since I have experience filming in places like Indonesia and Panama, I was a natural candidate for the position. I interviewed with the main producer, Pete Pepper, and we pretty much hit it off and both felt I would be a great fit and benefit to the crew.

The documentary's goal is to take a select group of Vietnam Veterans who have had some real post traumatic stress syndromes (a wide variety of symptoms really) and pretty much take them back to some of the areas that bring up alot of the 'nightmares' and replace those horrible experiences with 'better' ones. Its a recovery documentary!

Our original date was around January 2009, but was delayed a few months due to some complications with one of the main characters. With the departure date just a few days away, April 19, I am both excited and very apprehensive. I really dont know that much about the Vietnam War and what the history entails, but, what I do know is that I dont believe in killing anyone, but have the utmost of respect for anyone who served in the armed forces and have experienced wartime. Unfortunately, some have to do what it takes to survive and for many in most wars, that means killing another human being.

With that being said, I feel as if this is one of the most unique positions I have ever put myself into and think it will be one of the most pivotal points in my life. I truly believe as if the experience is going be with me for the rest of my life and could quite possibly change the course of my life and how I live it. I believe in this project, not because I love to travel, but because I truly feel as if this project will make a difference in these people's life...and my own.

Please come here for updates throughout the dates of April 19-May 10. I will be checking my email (vincentshaymedia@gmail.com) every couple of days and/or when I can, so any questions or comments, you can either post here or via email. I definantly look forward to anything you may add.

~vincent shay

Backroads Photo Shoot!

Backroads Photo Shoot With Brenda Ernst!


Wow! What a new found vigor for shooting I have found. Thanks to a brand new opportunity afforded me by a friend and Great photographer named Brenda Ernst I was asked to be her second shooter for a Backroads Photo shoot in San Raphael on July 1, 2008.

What a Fun Experience!



Brenda Ernst found me, or was it I found her, via my Facebook profile, a few months ago. What truly connected us was not only our mutual contacts and friends in the kayak and outdoor lifestyle arena, but, was our love for photography. She is truly living my dream! And what a wonderful person, too!


Our goal on this shoot was to work together with three families, on location, in Northern California to photograph a 'generic family scene' for the good folks over at Backroads. Working with Brenda and the people from Backroads was more than GREAT and I learned alot!



It is my goal, and has always been, to work in the active lifestyle and adventure setting taking unique and interesting photos of the people who partake in the Show!

Thanks Brenda for allowing me the opportunity and I hope to work with this great photographer in the near future.

Until next time!

Vincent Shay signing off.
www.vincentshayphotography.com

The Agua Libre is HERE!

So, just to update all on the progress on my new surf kayak design, the Agua Libre (Free Water to you and me!) which I designed back in November of 2007. Sent the original plug to Murky Water Kayak back then and finally, after months of waiting, I have recieved the Final Product.



Havent got this new design outfitted, nor have I surfed it (definantly this week for sure!) but, I must say, the craftsmanship that went into the manufacturing of this product is SECOND TO NONE! Incredible, actually.

I will, obviously, be the first one to surf this new design, but, I want to thank people like Randy Phillips, John Bonaventure, Matt Hudgens (who lives on the Central Coast now...we are all very excited around here!) Fletcher Burton, Rusty Sage, Jono Stevens, Kate Smith, Dave Johnston and other excited paddlesurfers on the Central Coast that have waited so long for this new Cutting edge design.

With that being said, I want to thank Mike Johnson and Randy Phillips for without those two people I would not be anywhere in the design world of paddlesurfing. Plus, a HUGE thanks for Dave Johnson of Progressive Surfboards in Goleta, California for final shaping my design. A HUGE thanks to the best support network and kayak manufacturer (and I really dont think I am stretching the truth here...) in the World, Ed and Mariola of Murky Water Kayaks in Canada. Their ongoing support for not only me and my quirky ways and methods of coming up with these designs, but, even more than that, their ongoing support of Paddlesurfing in general is really admirable.

A Small Company with a BIG heart! Support them...even if you dont like my designs or the other designs they manufacture,email them and thank them for being involved! In the little time Murky has been involved, they have helped with the developement of this little sport we call, Surf Kayaking! From not only their craftsmanship, but their attitudes about the people involved with the sport! GREAT and very supportive. They give BACK, in so many more ways than most are aware of.

OK,enough said, for now. I will get this new boat in the water,surfing,in the coming days. I know this will expand on my ideas of the Merv Larson and Mike Johnson designs and my own Reaction Design.

This one is going to be an exciting one.

The Agua Libre

Length: 7'3"
Width: 25.25"

Besides those two specs, I can say this is something really expanded...So, only the time will tell now.

Thanks for the support, all.

Vincent Shay, designer